crossesandguns: cain with a syringe full of poison (Default)
[personal profile] crossesandguns
Starting a new blog post with a whiny rant under a read more. I wrote this on a journal like a year ago but I’m feeling it again and really, I’m too lazy to describe it again so I’ll just post it.

I feel like I just have to get this off my chest. I feel horrible. Like I’m the most selfish, ungrateful person in the whole world and/or the whole of time and space for feeling the way I do now. It’s not fair for everyone involved.

Whenever these things happen, my conscience/upbringing/morals/Catholic background tells me to do it whole-heartedly, to be glad to have a chance to do this, to feel fulfilled and idk, holy. But I don’t feel that way. I feel sad and resentful and alone and like all I’ve done equals nothing. I feel useless.

And I don’t know what to do. I struggle to even write it because that would make it too real (as if it’s not real enough). Sometimes, it seems to me like I’ll never forget and never be happy again, because I really feel sad now, but it’s an insult to the future to think that way.

I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to feel sad. I hate this, sometimes I even hate myself for being so selfish and self-centered. I really don’t know what to do. Anyway, I’ll still do it even if it makes me sad so you guys can wait for my canonization in the Vatican. You better report miracles in my name when I die because I’m going to be a saint one way or another, ok.


Anyway enough of that crap and let me bullet point stuff I’ve been doing this past month!
  • My roommate and I made a pact to finish all previous seasons of Breaking Bad before part 2 of season 5 starts in August 11. We’ve been at this for like two weeks now and we’re still at Season 4!! We’ve got like three days to finish 7 episodes plus part 1 of season 5, whew. Thank the gods today is a holiday!
  • Speaking of which, EID MUBARAK to everyone celebrating! (I seriously love my country, we get Christian and Muslim national holidays off ahh)
  • Finished season 2 of Boardwalk Empire, halfway done with season 3. I need more Rothstein.
  • I’M WATCHING ONGOING ANIME AFTER A LONG TIME?? Right now I’m into Shingeki no Kyojin and Free! So anybody who wants to talk about those, just hit me up!
  • I LOVE JEAN KIRSCHTEIN. I unironically sail every ship that he is in, Jean/Marco, Jean/Eren, Jean/Mikasa, Jean/Armin, basically Jean with everybody. Annie is a close second in my heart.
  • It’s so hard to say which of the swimming boys I love most, maybe Nagisa and Rei, but I love them all really. Rn I just want to see Samezuka-buchou in a speedo.
  • This is an important public service announcement: Welcome to Night Vale has swallowed my corporeal being. I can’t believe how attached I am to Cecil, like when did this happen.
  • I don’t know how I manage to juggle all these fandoms with two hands, possibly some tentacles, but I’m managing. It’s fun!
  • Oh and how could I forget: PACIFIC RIM. I’m brimming with ideas and I’m going to write semi-historical fic because that’s my jam.

Book update:

I am really behind on my reading list this year. I may not be able to finish the 50 book milestone I set for myself and I may whittle that down to a manageable 30. I’m currently juggling a couple of books too, as is my usual behaviour.
  • Finally got around to reading Les Miserables after all the heart-breaking ExRfanfiction I devoured a month ago. Something about modern AUs for the Les Amis and college friendships make me wish I had a tight-knit group growing up. Ah, I want to rec fanfics of these, but would anyone even be interested?
  • The thing is, my paperback of Les Mis is pretty inconvenient to bring along all the time, so I also have it on this tab that I use as a reader. Basically I’m simultaneously reading two different translations. I wish I just knew French.
  • I am slowly moving forward with Moby Dick. Very, very slowly.
  • And I also read a handful of HP Lovecraft’s short stories courtesy of this, because of Night Vale. IT’S GREAT. AND CREEPY. And I’m pretty sure one of them is anti-alcohol Prohibition Era propaganda.
  • Bought A Separate Peace and All Quiet on the Western Front for PHP90 a piece!

That’s mostly all for now, and I do hope I get to post more often. Hit me up on tumblr, maybe, I’m pretty much always there 

May 2014

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